Well it looks like it's not going to happen for us this time.
Last week I buzzed around the house cleaning everything (the toilets in particular) preparing for my pregnancy symptoms to kick in...but they never did. I've been obsessively taking HPT's and on the weekend I noticed that the 2nd line was getting lighter not darker. At that that point I was pretty sure it was over. I spent several days Googling trying to find any possible explanation but there wasn't any. The embryo had stopped developing and wasn't producing hCG anymore.
I took one of those digital tests that tells you the weeks since conception and it read 1-2 (when it should have been 4). Based on that, my clinic agreed to do a repeat beta and it came back at only 270 (it should be at least 8,000 by now). So we are stopping meds and waiting for the inevitable. I'm disappointed but certainly not devastated. I expected it and I'm so glad we found out now and on our own terms. It would have really sucked to go to the viability scan and instead of heart-beat to see nothing there.
This just makes me feel even more grateful that we were so lucky the first time around. I'll be hugging the twins extra hard tonight.
They're going to monitor my hCG until it drops to nothing in case it's an ectopic or something that requires more intervention. After that I hope we can get lined up to transfer our remaining embies as soon as possible.
Goodbye Baby C. It was wonderful to have you with us, if only for a couple of weeks. I wish it hadn't ended so soon. I was really looking forward to sharing a birthday with you.
Wednesday, November 30
Friday, November 18
Stating point of view
4 weeks 5 days:
138. That was my second beta. It definitely doubling. I still can't believe we've been so fortunate to blessed like this twice. Next step is the 7 week viability ultra-sound. If that scan looks good and there is a heartbeat, the risk of miscarriage drops to less than 5%.
In other news, I went to pharmacy to pick up another $1,000 of presciptions. Since I didn't ovulate naturally I will have to keep taking progesterone and estrogen for another few weeks until the placenta takes over this job. Both these hormones are vital to maintaining the pregnancy and embryonic development. No more screwing around and forgetting to take a dose. Baby C's life depends on it now. That's was Greg and I are calling him, btw. The twins were Baby A and B. And "him" because I think it's going to be a boy.
138. That was my second beta. It definitely doubling. I still can't believe we've been so fortunate to blessed like this twice. Next step is the 7 week viability ultra-sound. If that scan looks good and there is a heartbeat, the risk of miscarriage drops to less than 5%.
In other news, I went to pharmacy to pick up another $1,000 of presciptions. Since I didn't ovulate naturally I will have to keep taking progesterone and estrogen for another few weeks until the placenta takes over this job. Both these hormones are vital to maintaining the pregnancy and embryonic development. No more screwing around and forgetting to take a dose. Baby C's life depends on it now. That's was Greg and I are calling him, btw. The twins were Baby A and B. And "him" because I think it's going to be a boy.
Thursday, November 17
Fill in a form
4 weeks 4 days :
I had my 2nd Beta yesterday. I called first thing this morning to check the results. They weren't in yet but I did discover something very disturbing about my clinic. They have a "no news is good news" policy about 2nd betas. The nurse told me that they would only call me if the Beta wasn't doubling. I'm not sure this works for me. You'd think that an IVF clinic would have a better appreciation of how a fertility patient's mind works - we're a neurotic bunch.
So I didn't go to work today. I sat here waiting by the phone praying that it wouldn't ring. It's now 10 pm and no phone call. I guess that means I'm pregnant.....or perhaps the lab lost my results and never sent them to the clinic. I still feel in limbo. I'm going to call them tomorrow to check.
I had my 2nd Beta yesterday. I called first thing this morning to check the results. They weren't in yet but I did discover something very disturbing about my clinic. They have a "no news is good news" policy about 2nd betas. The nurse told me that they would only call me if the Beta wasn't doubling. I'm not sure this works for me. You'd think that an IVF clinic would have a better appreciation of how a fertility patient's mind works - we're a neurotic bunch.
So I didn't go to work today. I sat here waiting by the phone praying that it wouldn't ring. It's now 10 pm and no phone call. I guess that means I'm pregnant.....or perhaps the lab lost my results and never sent them to the clinic. I still feel in limbo. I'm going to call them tomorrow to check.
Tuesday, November 15
Give me your answer
58
I went for my formal pregnancy test yesterday (called a Beta hCG or Beta for short). Most fertility patients get their results back the same day but since I use an out-of-town lab, I had to wait until the next morning (aka torture myself sitting up half the night staring at my home pregnancy tests trying to figure out if the line was getting darker).
This morning I finally got the call and my number is 58. It seems low to me but the nurse said they consider it a positive. For comparison, my first beta with the twins was 178 and we tested one day earlier.
I'm obsessively Googling the Internet for verification. http://www.betabase.info/ (a great statistical resource for neurotic fertility patients) tells me that the average result reported for a singleton pregnancy on this day is 139. The nurse told me that the betas for frozen transfers are usually lower than fresh transfers. She didn't know why but it suppose frozen embryos might implant a little later. It's logical that they would need a day or two to recover from being in a giant freezer for 3 years.
Supposedly it doesn't matter what the number is as long as it's increasing. In a viable pregnancy, the Beta should increase exponentially. At this point it should double at least every 48 hours. So I go back for another blood test on Wednesday.
In summary, we are excited but not wanting to get our hopes up.
PS: the due date is July 23rd. 3 days before my birthday :-).
I went for my formal pregnancy test yesterday (called a Beta hCG or Beta for short). Most fertility patients get their results back the same day but since I use an out-of-town lab, I had to wait until the next morning (aka torture myself sitting up half the night staring at my home pregnancy tests trying to figure out if the line was getting darker).
This morning I finally got the call and my number is 58. It seems low to me but the nurse said they consider it a positive. For comparison, my first beta with the twins was 178 and we tested one day earlier.
I'm obsessively Googling the Internet for verification. http://www.betabase.info/ (a great statistical resource for neurotic fertility patients) tells me that the average result reported for a singleton pregnancy on this day is 139. The nurse told me that the betas for frozen transfers are usually lower than fresh transfers. She didn't know why but it suppose frozen embryos might implant a little later. It's logical that they would need a day or two to recover from being in a giant freezer for 3 years.
Supposedly it doesn't matter what the number is as long as it's increasing. In a viable pregnancy, the Beta should increase exponentially. At this point it should double at least every 48 hours. So I go back for another blood test on Wednesday.
In summary, we are excited but not wanting to get our hopes up.
PS: the due date is July 23rd. 3 days before my birthday :-).
Sunday, November 13
Drop me a line
9dp5dt:
Two lines!!!! We finally caved and tested today and its a faint positive! So faint that Greg didn't entirely believe it. At this point with the twins, the 2nd line was as dark at the control line. Nothing is guaranteed yet - it could be something called a "chemical pregnancy" were the embryo implants long enough for your to get positive pregnancy test and then stops developing. We'll have to wait for tomorrow's blood test to be sure but at least we are not "not pregnant".
Friday, November 11
Send me a postcard
7dp5dt:
Crap. I am now the proud owned of $50 worth of home pregnancy tests. We ran out of baby wipes and I had to stop at the drug store on the way home from work. I never had a chance.
I'm happy to say that I haven't cracked one open yet. If I can even hold off until tomorrow morning, it will be a victory.
Crap. I am now the proud owned of $50 worth of home pregnancy tests. We ran out of baby wipes and I had to stop at the drug store on the way home from work. I never had a chance.
I'm happy to say that I haven't cracked one open yet. If I can even hold off until tomorrow morning, it will be a victory.
Thursday, November 10
Yours sincerely, wasting away
6dp5dt:
Ok, no more fooling around. Now I'm getting excited.
I spent much of today playing a fun game called "pregnancy or progesterone". That's where I analyze every little twinge and sensation in my body and try to figure out if it's an early pregnancy symptom or just a side effect of progesterone. It's all futile of course. Even if I were pregnant, it's much too early to have any symptoms.
There is definitely something going on in my uterus though. I'm cramping up a storm and my c-section scar hurts. Could be implantation but could also be a side effect of the progesterone. I've gotta stop obsessing about this.
My goal this time around is to NOT test early with a home pregnancy test. I want to wait until the actual blood test on Monday. I've peed on a lot of sticks in my time and it just doesn't help. If the pee-stick is negative, you feel like crap and yet there is no closure (you keep hoping that the HPT was wrong or you tested too soon). Even when you get a positive, the happiness is short-lived. Until you get the numbers from your blood tests, you can't be sure that your HCG levels are rising and the pregnancy is viable. With the twins I was taking 4 tests a day and compulsively lining them up, straining my eyes trying to see if the 2nd line was getting any darker. One minute I was ecstatically happy and the next I was in tears convinced it was over.
The only way this can work is if I keep the pregnancy tests out of the house altogether. I stocked up on a ton of groceries on the week-end because I know that if I step foot in a grocery story this week, I won't be able to resist buying a test. Must stay strong.
Ok, no more fooling around. Now I'm getting excited.
I spent much of today playing a fun game called "pregnancy or progesterone". That's where I analyze every little twinge and sensation in my body and try to figure out if it's an early pregnancy symptom or just a side effect of progesterone. It's all futile of course. Even if I were pregnant, it's much too early to have any symptoms.
There is definitely something going on in my uterus though. I'm cramping up a storm and my c-section scar hurts. Could be implantation but could also be a side effect of the progesterone. I've gotta stop obsessing about this.
My goal this time around is to NOT test early with a home pregnancy test. I want to wait until the actual blood test on Monday. I've peed on a lot of sticks in my time and it just doesn't help. If the pee-stick is negative, you feel like crap and yet there is no closure (you keep hoping that the HPT was wrong or you tested too soon). Even when you get a positive, the happiness is short-lived. Until you get the numbers from your blood tests, you can't be sure that your HCG levels are rising and the pregnancy is viable. With the twins I was taking 4 tests a day and compulsively lining them up, straining my eyes trying to see if the 2nd line was getting any darker. One minute I was ecstatically happy and the next I was in tears convinced it was over.
The only way this can work is if I keep the pregnancy tests out of the house altogether. I stocked up on a ton of groceries on the week-end because I know that if I step foot in a grocery story this week, I won't be able to resist buying a test. Must stay strong.
Monday, November 7
Doing the garden, digging the weeds
3dp5dt (3 days post 5 day transfer)
It's funny how much things have changed in 3 years.
March 2008:
After our first embryo transfer I went on virtual bedrest. We drove back to Edmonton with my seat reclined so I could remain prone to encourage implantation. We worried the entire time that the vibrations from the car would somehow damage the embryos . I even ate dinner laying down in our hotel room bed. When we arrived home, I treated myself like I was made of glass. I laid in bed, no housework and wouldn't dream of lifting anything heavier than a carton of milk. Greg doted on me and talked to my belly. I remember thinking that it would be ok if it didn't take because it felt so good to be pregnant even for just that one week.
November 2011:
The clinic's specific instructions were:
1) No strenuous exercise
2) No swimming (not sure why that's not allowed)
3) No hot tubs or hot baths
4) No sex
As far as I'm concerned, anything else goes. Since arriving home I've done the following:
1) Helped clean up the yard for winter (lifting, carrying planters, clearing out dead plants, hauling the wheelbarrow etc.)
2) Carried 60+ lbs of squirmy toddlers up and down the stairs repeatedly.
3) Scooped the cat litter box.
4) Ate popcorn for supper and potentially listeria-ridden deli meat for lunch.
Now I'm back at work and dealing with some seriously stressful crap (a big shakeup is occurring complete with backstabbing, betrayal and lots of politics). If this cycle is successful, it will be proof positive that "relaxing" and having a positive attitude has no impact on your outcome. Oh and also the twins are have croup and are sick and miserable. When it rains it pours.
I think that being busy is probably a good thing. It's much better than dwelling on the count-down to beta. The first 3 days have flown by and I've barely thought about it.
I am not feeling as optimistic as last week. No particular reason to be doubtful. I just don't feel that it's going to work. I hope I'm wrong.
It's funny how much things have changed in 3 years.
March 2008:
After our first embryo transfer I went on virtual bedrest. We drove back to Edmonton with my seat reclined so I could remain prone to encourage implantation. We worried the entire time that the vibrations from the car would somehow damage the embryos . I even ate dinner laying down in our hotel room bed. When we arrived home, I treated myself like I was made of glass. I laid in bed, no housework and wouldn't dream of lifting anything heavier than a carton of milk. Greg doted on me and talked to my belly. I remember thinking that it would be ok if it didn't take because it felt so good to be pregnant even for just that one week.
November 2011:
The clinic's specific instructions were:
1) No strenuous exercise
2) No swimming (not sure why that's not allowed)
3) No hot tubs or hot baths
4) No sex
As far as I'm concerned, anything else goes. Since arriving home I've done the following:
1) Helped clean up the yard for winter (lifting, carrying planters, clearing out dead plants, hauling the wheelbarrow etc.)
2) Carried 60+ lbs of squirmy toddlers up and down the stairs repeatedly.
3) Scooped the cat litter box.
4) Ate popcorn for supper and potentially listeria-ridden deli meat for lunch.
Now I'm back at work and dealing with some seriously stressful crap (a big shakeup is occurring complete with backstabbing, betrayal and lots of politics). If this cycle is successful, it will be proof positive that "relaxing" and having a positive attitude has no impact on your outcome. Oh and also the twins are have croup and are sick and miserable. When it rains it pours.
I think that being busy is probably a good thing. It's much better than dwelling on the count-down to beta. The first 3 days have flown by and I've barely thought about it.
I am not feeling as optimistic as last week. No particular reason to be doubtful. I just don't feel that it's going to work. I hope I'm wrong.
Friday, November 4
If you say the word, I could stay with you
Embryo Transfer:
Today was a success all told. The first embryo survived the thaw and was transfered without incident. It is such a relief that we still have embryos left and we can go one more round.
The blast we transferred is graded 3BB (average). It was too soon to tell if the cells would start dividing again but at least all the structures were intact. My clinic doesn't give pictures but here's one from the interweb of somebody else's 3BB blast.
Now the waiting begins. Nothing to do but pray that this little guy decides to burrow in and grow. Go Brian go!
Today was a success all told. The first embryo survived the thaw and was transfered without incident. It is such a relief that we still have embryos left and we can go one more round.
The blast we transferred is graded 3BB (average). It was too soon to tell if the cells would start dividing again but at least all the structures were intact. My clinic doesn't give pictures but here's one from the interweb of somebody else's 3BB blast.
Now the waiting begins. Nothing to do but pray that this little guy decides to burrow in and grow. Go Brian go!
Thursday, November 3
Sunday morning, go for ride
It's the night before transfer. I have everything ready (I hope) but I'm too excited/anxious to sleep. Here's the plan for tomorrow:
5 am: Up and shower with unscented soap purchased specifically for this occasion (apparently embryos are very sensitive to scented beauty products). Shave legs and pick out cute socks so I'll look fashionable in the stirrups - as if anyone cares.
6:30 am: Leave house, drop off kids at my sister's and drive to the airport.
8:45 am: Our flight leaves.
This will be the most stressful part of the day for me. I have an irrational fear of flying and I'm so dreading the flight. It's not even the normal kind of fear - I'm not afraid of crashing (although I certainly would prefer not to do that). I'm not afraid of terrorists or mechanical failure or human error either. I know that those things are statistically unlikely and that flying is absolutely the safest way to travel. What I fear happens every single time I set foot on a plane. Namely being sealed in a pressurized tube and hurdled through the air at 500 mph, 40,000 feet above the ground and there is no way to get down until the flight is over. It's a combination of claustrophobia, fear of heights, and lack of control. It scares the beejebus out of me. When we did our fresh cycle, we drove out to Vancouver but I certainly can't justify doing that for only one day. I will be so relieved when it's over.
9:20 am (Pacific time): Arrive in Vancouver and make our way leisurely to our clinic in Burnaby for our 12:30 appointment.
1 pm: Embryo transfer
At my clinic, the vibe is more like a spa than a doctor's office. First you change into a white robe and slippers and then you sit waiting in a recliner and the nurse covers you in a warmed blanket so you don't get chilly. Then the embryologist comes to tell you about the embryo(s) that will be transferred. The nurses, doctors, embryologist etc. are all smiles and cheerful small talk. This is one of the happiest times at a fertility clinic. It's all hope and potential. The procedure itself is fairly quick and simple. They insert a catheter through the cervix into the uterus and inject the embryo into place. It takes skill though to make sure the embryo is deposited in the right spot. Then we wait with me laying down for 15 minutes for things to settle in.
The transfer is done on a full bladder because they guide the catheter by ultrasound. This was a big issue last time because I drank WAY too much water. I was in agony, I thought my bladder would burst. During the 15 minute wait, Greg was praying for success and all I could think about "don't pee yourself...don't pee yourself" I've learned my lesson though and I won't make that mistake this time.
5 pm: Fly back to Edmonton (again with a very high terror index for me)
That morning the lab will start thawing embryos. It take about one hour to complete the process. They will thaw the first blast, if it doesn't survive, they will thaw the next one. If none of them survive, they will call us and tell us not to bother coming in. If that's the case, I guess we will just have a really expensive lunch date in Vancouver.
Our frosties were preserved using an older slow freeze technology where the water is first removed from the cells so that it doesn't crystallize and harm the cell structures upon freezing (that crystallization is what causes the damage when people get frostbite). Nowadays, most clinics freeze their embryos using a process called vitrification. This is where the embryo is plunged directly into a vat of liquid nitrogen and the cells freeze so quickly that the water doesn't have time to crystallize. Instead it freezes clear like glass. That's how the procedure gets it's name, "vitri" comes from the latin word for glass (your fun fact for the day)
Statistically, 50 to 60% of blasts will survive the thaw so odds are pretty good that we'll have one embryo to transfer. I'm feeling surprisingly optimistic.
5 am: Up and shower with unscented soap purchased specifically for this occasion (apparently embryos are very sensitive to scented beauty products). Shave legs and pick out cute socks so I'll look fashionable in the stirrups - as if anyone cares.
6:30 am: Leave house, drop off kids at my sister's and drive to the airport.
8:45 am: Our flight leaves.
This will be the most stressful part of the day for me. I have an irrational fear of flying and I'm so dreading the flight. It's not even the normal kind of fear - I'm not afraid of crashing (although I certainly would prefer not to do that). I'm not afraid of terrorists or mechanical failure or human error either. I know that those things are statistically unlikely and that flying is absolutely the safest way to travel. What I fear happens every single time I set foot on a plane. Namely being sealed in a pressurized tube and hurdled through the air at 500 mph, 40,000 feet above the ground and there is no way to get down until the flight is over. It's a combination of claustrophobia, fear of heights, and lack of control. It scares the beejebus out of me. When we did our fresh cycle, we drove out to Vancouver but I certainly can't justify doing that for only one day. I will be so relieved when it's over.
9:20 am (Pacific time): Arrive in Vancouver and make our way leisurely to our clinic in Burnaby for our 12:30 appointment.
1 pm: Embryo transfer
At my clinic, the vibe is more like a spa than a doctor's office. First you change into a white robe and slippers and then you sit waiting in a recliner and the nurse covers you in a warmed blanket so you don't get chilly. Then the embryologist comes to tell you about the embryo(s) that will be transferred. The nurses, doctors, embryologist etc. are all smiles and cheerful small talk. This is one of the happiest times at a fertility clinic. It's all hope and potential. The procedure itself is fairly quick and simple. They insert a catheter through the cervix into the uterus and inject the embryo into place. It takes skill though to make sure the embryo is deposited in the right spot. Then we wait with me laying down for 15 minutes for things to settle in.
The transfer is done on a full bladder because they guide the catheter by ultrasound. This was a big issue last time because I drank WAY too much water. I was in agony, I thought my bladder would burst. During the 15 minute wait, Greg was praying for success and all I could think about "don't pee yourself...don't pee yourself" I've learned my lesson though and I won't make that mistake this time.
5 pm: Fly back to Edmonton (again with a very high terror index for me)
That morning the lab will start thawing embryos. It take about one hour to complete the process. They will thaw the first blast, if it doesn't survive, they will thaw the next one. If none of them survive, they will call us and tell us not to bother coming in. If that's the case, I guess we will just have a really expensive lunch date in Vancouver.
Our frosties were preserved using an older slow freeze technology where the water is first removed from the cells so that it doesn't crystallize and harm the cell structures upon freezing (that crystallization is what causes the damage when people get frostbite). Nowadays, most clinics freeze their embryos using a process called vitrification. This is where the embryo is plunged directly into a vat of liquid nitrogen and the cells freeze so quickly that the water doesn't have time to crystallize. Instead it freezes clear like glass. That's how the procedure gets it's name, "vitri" comes from the latin word for glass (your fun fact for the day)
Statistically, 50 to 60% of blasts will survive the thaw so odds are pretty good that we'll have one embryo to transfer. I'm feeling surprisingly optimistic.
Tuesday, November 1
We shall scrimp and save
So I've been running some numbers and this FET business is not cheap. When we signed up I remember looking at the price in the brochure and thinking it was peanuts. However, once we included the medications, travel to vancouver and the monitoring fees the cost is adding up!
| Cost of my FET: | |
| FET fee | $ 1,000.00 |
| Remote cycle fee | 250.00 |
| SIS fee | 250.00 |
| Bloodwork | 45.00 |
| Ultrasound X 2 | 340.00 |
| Parking for u/s | 30.00 |
| Lupron | 245.00 |
| Estradiol | 60.00 |
| Antibiotics | 20.00 |
| Crinone | 490.00 |
| Airfare - SIS | 430.00 |
| Cabfare - SIS | 50.00 |
| Airfare - ET | 950.00 |
| Cabfare - ET | 50.00 |
| Cost if BFN | 4,210.00 |
| Crinone refills | 980.00 |
| Estradiol refill | 30.00 |
| Cost if BFP | $ 5,220.00 |
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